lauren smiles

I’m engaged to Matt, and I couldn’t be happier. I knew that I wanted to write a blog about it, because it’s been all I can think about since he asked me to marry him last Friday. Unfortunately, someone’s ignorance that I can’t just ignore means that you’re getting this instead.

Left anonymously on Kayley’s boyfriend’s formspring:

“Actually, Lauren is bisexual. At least that’s what she claimed a couple years ago. Perhaps there’s hope for all us gays that we can change back from the dark empire. Whatever Lauren! You turned your back on the gay community! FUCK YOU!”

Since someone apparently needs a refresher on what it actually means to be bisexual, let me google that for you.

What is “a bisexual”?
A strict definition of a bisexual would be someone who has romantic and/or sexual relations with other people of more than one sex (though not necessarily at the same time). However, since not everyone has necessarily had the opportunity to act on their sexual/romantic attractions, some people prefer a looser definition; for instance, that a bisexual is a person who - in their own estimation - feels potentially able to have such attraction. This could be anyone who has erotic, affectionate, or romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with both men and women. A bisexual may be more attracted to one sex than the other, attracted equally to both, or find people’s sex unimportant.

Are bisexuals equally attracted to both sexes?
Many bisexuals feel they have a “preference” for one gender over another, but they do not deny their attraction for that other gender. Some bisexuals, however, have no such preference, and instead focus their attractions on qualities they see in an individual regardless of that person’s gender. Sometimes these qualities involve gender, sometimes not. For example, some people find men attractive as men, and women attractive as women; others find people’s gender irrelevant.

Do bisexuals have to have lovers of both sexes to be bisexual?
People who call themselves bisexual are saying that they are attracted to both men and women. They don’t necessarily have to act on that attraction.

But if they’re monogamous, how can they be bisexual?
A bisexual deciding to be monogamous is not deciding to be “gay” or “straight.” He/she is still bisexual; he/she has chosen a PERSON to live his/her life with, not an orientation, preference or idealogue. It is important to recognize that he/she still FEELS bisexual.

According to this person who didn’t even have the balls to say this to me, someone who has been in a relationship with and decides to marry one of the two genders that bisexual people, by definition, have erotic, affectionate, or romantic feelings for, fantasies of, and/or experiences with, is no longer bisexual. Huh. Am I supposed to marry one of each to keep my identity, or what? Would you like to explain that to my fiance? And then you can explain it to me, because I was under the belief that I am free to decide who I want to be with, just like you are.

I’ve heard all kinds of stereotypes, misunderstandings, and general confusion regarding bisexuality, and this is unfortunately one of them. It is also the first time ANYONE has expressed anything more than support and happiness for my coming out as bisexual, and oddly enough, it’s coming from a misinformed gay person as far as I can tell. Apparently we’re just as guilty of being as shallow and closed-minded as everyone else. Good to know.

Honestly, the bottom line is that my erotic, affectionate, or romantic feelings and experiences are really none of your business. I could cover my ass and list all of the people I have ever been with or attracted to, but let’s face it. In all probability, you’ve probably never even spoken to me. My parents don’t even know these things, and they’ve been there for me my entire life. There’s no reason for me to prove anything to you or to anyone else. My sexuality is mine, and anyone who thinks that it belongs to anyone else or is up for public debate seriously needs to reevaluate what it means to be a part of the LGBT community in the first place.

I have never done anything to hurt you. I have never given anything but my love and support for the LGBT community, and it breaks my heart that this means absolutely nothing to you. If you think I’m turning my back on the community that has helped me to find myself, just because I love someone, you’re no better than all of the people who are still trying to take away your rights, just because you love someone.